Yesterday I was a kid. Tomorrow I’ll be an adult. Today, I’m…
When I created this blog, the Muslim Kid, that is who I wanted to be. I was ‘the Muslim Kid’ a 13 years old kid who had received some sort of Hidaya from Allah to embrace positive changes in his life. He read blog posts and listened to lectures accumulating knowledge on this and that. through his blog posts, he met many amazing individuals and other bloggers like him some his age and others older.
Somewhere along this journey, a mold formed that ‘the Muslim kid’ was apparently some super righteous mature young kid. Of course he sinned, he had problems like the rest of the world but not on the level that other kids his age living in his environment might. the challenges of other kids his age were too petty for him, rather his mind was engaged in figuring out ‘The Irrational Baraqa Factor.’
There is something I have to tell the world. I’m just a regular kid. I have no right to call myself Muslim Kid. there isn’t any agree to which I confirm to that title. I know how a Muslim Kid should be, and when I don’t follow those guidelines, am I not worse than the kid who doesn’t follow them out of ignorance? I am not saying that I am a hypocrite who doesn’t believe in what he writes about. I believe in everything I write about, yet putting it into practice is a sincere struggle. Additionally, I feel the title Muslim Kid has forced me to present my practical life as emulating the title Muslim Kid.
I mean who would have ever guessed the ‘the Muslim kid’ liked a girl and she liked him back and they were more than friends but not really. could I have ever written about that experience? maybe I could have but honestly, how could I? (Can I write about the ramifications? how it started? how it escalated? & Why it ended?) could I really write here that I was in ‘love’ with some girl and that I went through a struggle to stop myself from legitimizing it? Muslim Kid – no way! That’s baloney, crazy, insane! Okay well maybe its not even that hard for some of you to believe but some I’m sure it is, I once had a heartfelt conversation with an older-married female blogger from England and I told her everything about this silly girl problem. she figured it out to such an extent that she started finishing my sentences for me! she, being a reader of my blog, understood why I wouldn’t talk about it online.
The minute I stepped into this blogging world, it has had a toll on my theoretical understanding of life yet not as much on my practical ways of living (consistently at least). there are so many conflicts that have risen that I feel the need for a new identity if this blog is to serve its true intent.
I think this became a big issue after I felt the spiritual high of my life thus far: the last ten days of the last Ramadan. During those ten days, it was amazing and if you read the posts from that time you can see it. After talking about a yearning to be a Mufti, how could I possibly talk about a strong desire to continue to be more than friends with some girl?
Actually there is probably one thing I’ve learned from this ordeal of being unable to write certain things. I’ve been told that I’m a very judgmental person or appear to be; I probably am. I feel like I would be judged as a bad kid if I mentioned some topics on this blog like girls besides saying you need to lower your gaze. Hypothetically, it might be a catalyst for me one day quitting this blog. if I had to censor myself on those issues where I really did need guidance and practical advice, why should I continue to write vainly? So to sum up this logic: I might quit blogging because it becomes pointless due to the belief I will be judged by those who may not understand.
That is exactly the same logic my friend presented to me when I told him I didn’t understand what it really means to be judgmental toward someone. for example, so many Muslim college students say: “I can’t be friends with the Muslim kids, they would judge me.” I didn’t understand that statement until very recently. I can say for a fact that I am judgmental – I’ve been nurtured in an environment where it would be amazing if I wasn’t, but thats a whole different post for another time.
My friend who is in college explained to me how all this works in college. there are Muslim kids who are from traditional families. They run the MSA, they always hang out together, and are easily identifiable with there beards or Hijabs (or Niqabs). Then there’s “them”, the outsiders. Them meaning Muslims who drink, engage in sexual activity, take drugs, etc. who you might have never guessed where Muslim if there last names weren’t Muhammad or Khan. if you talk to one of these individuals, they will tell you that they don’t associate with the Muslim kids because they dont want to be judged. who does?
I remember reading about judging people somewhere. one of the names of God is Al-Hakim, the Judge. What makes Allah Al-Hakim and prevents us from being judges? What about a real judge, an Islamic Quadhi…why are they in place to make some sort of judgement? well, my understanding is that a judge makes a decision after seeing boths sides of the argument, seeing all the prespectives and any evidence or proof. thus, with that knowledge, he or she is able to make a sound judgement that is hopefully valid and just. Even if they make a mistake, justice will be served in the hereafter, Inshallah. So, if someone has knowledge of both sides, his judgement is more precise…then who could be a better judge than Al-Aleem? the one with all knowledge of all that has ever happened and will ever happen. Subhanallah.
On the other hand, it shows our defficency and why we can’t or shouldn’t judge anyone. I have a friend who I found out was completely different than what she had presented herself as to my and friend. we were shocked when we found out about her other activities. I didn’t know her as well as my friend but nevertheless he asked her why she lied. she told him that, “how could I? you too are like the most moral people in the world, how could I tell you that I am like this that I’ve done this.”
That is the state of all those Muslim kids on campus who engage in haram activities. the practicing Muslim students, out of ignorance, arrogance and small-mindedness actually defer people away from Islam by looking down upon them and closing the gates of guidance. Instead of guiding them with our Sunnah-endorsed kind nature and humble ways, we arrogantly ignore them. this is very common from what I hear and I see it at my high school too. in school, there are certain Muslim students who refuse to associate with the Muslim crowds. I would attribute part of it to the fact that they don’t want to be judged by the more traditional Muslim students.
However, there is another prespective of this judging someone. for me personally at least, a lot of times the reason you stay away from the ‘other’ Muslims is to keep away from their influence. Life is hard as is and retaining sprituality is super hard with bad company. Of course, I can’t be that blind as to not see that if the people who have come into my life as guidance had the same logic, I wouldn’t be here. same with our scholars and pious leaders, if scholars refuse to intermingle with the ignorant masses we would be in worse state than we are right now.
I’m in a state of reflection on learning to be less judgmental. my friend said the first thing I should do is stop labeling people (e.g. liberal, conservative, etc). I am trying to follow that. Also, instead of quitting on blogging I will make more use of my blog by destroying this pseudo-image of some ideal Muslim kid. I feel like people might be getting an impression that I am now some horrible kid. I’m not, I still hold the same views yet I need to paint a more real picture of how hard it is to follow through with those morals. Finally, I do not engage in some crazy super-haram activities, just to end any crazy thoughts running in your head.
Inshallah all will go well and I’m headed towards the right direction. Allah knows best.